I think it's time to start telling my story. But its not really my story, it's our story. I can't say that there's a clear beginning and there probably won't be a clear end. That's okay.
The story begins at my brother in law's wedding last December. There was a dinner planned after the wedding ceremony, which was a small intimate affair. Dinner was hosted at a charming little restaurant in a historical building downtown. Imagine low light, happiness, good food and good times. I was seated next to my mother in law and my husband. I could not stop thinking about the vows from the wedding ceremony. They were very untraditional; the theme being "love is not a bond" and letting go and not holding people tightly. The antithesis to the wedding that Levi and I had three years ago.
I had somehow forgot my phone and was impatient to look up a quote from their wedding vows to see where they had come from. I asked my husband if I could borrow his phone because I wanted to look something up. I pull up the web browser: a cute petite blonde splayed open before me ( and my mother in law) An image burned into my memory. I have honestly thought about getting hypnosis to forget it. But something masochistic in me can't let myself do that. I look at my mother in law and felt so shamed. Since then, I have wondered what effect it had on her. She would never say a word. She is a lady and she's had her own demons to fight in her marriage.
I frantically shut down the web browser on the phone, looked at my husband, who watched the whole thing go down silently, and said "really?" I excused myself to the ladies room and had a panic attack. I wanted to leave, I wanted to make a scene, but I also wanted to pretend like it never happened. It wasn't the first time I had experienced this situation and it wasn't the first promise broken or the first betrayal. However, this time something was different and more painful. I enjoyed the rest of the evening with family and pretended like nothing had happened.
When we got home we talked about it. I told him I thought marriage was sacred and that all sexual things that happen in a married peoples lives, whether alone or together, is really a part of the marriage life. When we choose to bond our life with another human being everything about our lives intertwines and everything we do affects the other. He seemed to really get it for the first time and that was really exciting and bonding. I had a lot of hope like every other time but this time maybe a smidge more. So, I decided to trust and move on. He had extended so much grace to me in the past that I really felt indebted and that I needed to whole heartedly trust. Fast forward to June 20th 2013.
My daughter and I were having a lazy morning together. I decided to just go ahead and let her watch TV. I grab the tablet and went to find Netflix but I couldn't seem to find it in the apps. So, I went to the Play Store, an app search engine, yes that's really what it's called for those of you who have an iPhone. I tapped my finger in the search field and down pops "sexygirls" in the search history. My heart stopped. I felt sick, shocked, duped, embarrassed and I really felt, for the first time:anger. We needed to talk.
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