Friday, July 26, 2013

"Perfect Tits"

We've really been into the new netflix series "Orange is the new black." Its edgy, funny and something we look forward to doing together which isn't something we've been able to say for probably a year.

I find that often times TV and movies cause me a lot of anxiety.  I am always wondering if seeing this nude scene or that pretty girl will "make him" want to act out. 

Then there's the nagging self doubt and body-hating which is probably the worst (for me).  I am so insecure about this body and how it looks and compares with the competition. I am constantly attributing the addiction to "letting myself go" and not being sexy. So annoying. I have a minor in Womens Studies. I'm educated on this stuff. But when it gets personal, the education goes right out the window.

Usually, Husband doesnt validate any of the crazy but once in a while he says something that sends me spinning. I wonder "Is he messing with me?"  The most recent offense:

Husband: Yeah, you missed it in the first or second episode.
Me: Oh yeah, what?
Husband: They showed the trannys tits. It was awesome.
Me: (laughing) I bet
Husband: No really, it was awesome, they were perfect.
Me: Perfect? Really? Of course. Of course you think big surgically altered tits are perfect, that's great.

I rolled over, went to bed. Self doubting. Frustrated. Annoyed. And hurt.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

apples and oranges



"Sometimes you have apples but sometimes you would really like oranges."

I love food. And I don't mean I love food like some people love a good chick flick or a cold drink in summer time, I mean I love food.  I love food because I am an internalizer. I think deeply and care passionately about everyone and every good cause or broken heart or injustice. Everything and everyone has meaning to me. It can be exhausting but most days I enjoy life and it keeps me in line with the life and the God I love.  Sometimes though, its a pain.

Its this passion for people and internalizing that makes this whole pornography issue so difficult for me to empathize with. I cannot fathom looking at a naked human being and not wonder about them, not care about them.

This is why it was so hard for me to hear this answer in response to the question , "seriously, tell me, why do you look at other women when I have given myself to you completely?"

"Well, the honest truth is that sometimes you have apples but you want oranges."

What? Apples and oranges. Really? We are talking about marriage. You know, one of the most sacred promises you make to God and another human being.

But then I remind myself that I am trying to rationalize an addiction with an addict who doesn't believe he has a problem.

It still hurts to hear it though. And I'm insulted on behalf of every apple out there.  I love you apples. I love food.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

An Uninvited Blonde Guest



I think it's time to start telling my story.  But its not really my story, it's our story. I can't say that there's a clear beginning and there probably won't be a clear end. That's okay.

The story begins at my brother in law's wedding last December.  There was a dinner planned after the wedding ceremony, which was a small intimate affair. Dinner was hosted at a charming little restaurant in a historical building downtown.  Imagine low light, happiness, good food and good times. I was seated next to my mother in law and my husband. I could not stop thinking about the vows from the wedding ceremony. They were very untraditional; the theme being "love is not a bond" and letting go and not holding people tightly. The antithesis to the wedding that Levi and I had three years ago.

I had somehow forgot my phone and was impatient to look up a quote from their wedding vows to see where they had come from. I asked my husband if I could borrow his phone because I wanted to look something up. I pull up the web browser: a cute petite blonde splayed open before me ( and my mother in law) An image burned into my memory. I have honestly thought about getting hypnosis to forget it. But something masochistic in me can't let myself do that.  I look at my mother in law and felt so shamed. Since then, I have wondered what effect it had on her. She would never say a word. She is a lady and she's had her own demons to fight in her marriage.

I frantically shut down the web browser on the phone, looked at my husband, who watched the whole thing go down silently, and said "really?" I excused myself to the ladies room and had a panic attack.   I wanted to leave, I wanted to make a scene, but I also wanted to pretend like it never happened. It wasn't the first time I had experienced this situation and it wasn't the first promise broken or the first betrayal. However, this time something was different and more painful. I enjoyed the rest of the evening with family and pretended like nothing had happened.

When we got home we talked about it. I told him I thought marriage was sacred and that all sexual things that happen in a married peoples lives, whether alone or together, is really a part of the marriage life. When we choose to bond our life with another human being everything about our lives intertwines and everything we do affects the other.  He seemed to really get it for the first time and that was really exciting and bonding. I had a lot of hope like every other time but this time maybe a smidge more. So, I decided to trust and move on. He had extended so much grace to me in the past that I really felt indebted and that I needed to whole heartedly trust. Fast forward to June 20th 2013.
     My daughter and I were having a lazy morning together. I decided to just go ahead and let her watch TV. I grab the tablet and went to find Netflix but I couldn't seem to find it in the apps. So, I went to the Play Store, an app search engine,  yes that's really what it's called for those of you who have an iPhone.  I tapped my finger in the search field and down pops "sexygirls" in the search history.  My heart stopped. I felt sick, shocked, duped, embarrassed and I really felt, for the first time:anger. We needed to talk.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Words of Encouragement

I am trying really hard to not wallow in my self pity and to see light where darkness seems to prevail.  I have had words of encouragement this weekend and wish to share:

Husband: I'm sorry. You're not being silly.  You're not overreacting. I feel ashamed.

eatmyscabs.blogspot.com: you're invited.

Daily lectionary: Those who sow in tears will reap in songs of joy (psalm 126)

Friday, July 5, 2013

Eat Your Heart Out

http://laughingsquid.com/wp-content/uploads/eat-your-heart-out-20100128-144411.jpg
uh huh.
It's what I've been doing since June 20th, 2013.

The day I:

  • Stumbled upon pornography on my husband's tablet while searching for an app on Play Store (with my 3 year old watching. awesome.)
  • My husband admitted he had an addiction to pornography
  •  I finally accepted the truth that I am married to a sex addict
Not the best day I've ever had. Not the worst. But a really crappy day nonetheless.

Surprisingly, it wasn't the first time I caught Husband.  I knew he looked at it before I married him and I thought he would stop.  I thought that when we married this would solidify our relationship in a way that would satisfy his (and my) every need. How: young. naive. foolish.

June 20th was probably the sixth time we've crossed this monster - but every time before was different. Denial. Complete and utter denial. I justified and made excuses. I pretended I was ok with it at first. I told myself that a real feminist wouldn't judge (more on that subject later).  I told myself that a real Christian would forgive and forget. I told myself that it wasn't really an issue.

Lies - all lies.

"And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind,
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around"
-Florence + Machine

I'm not sure I'm prepared to share how it all went down but I will.  Today - I'm just here to say that it happened. Also, that I am emotionally eating. A lot.