Monday, September 30, 2013

Denial


I know it's been a while since I've posted. I got scared. I felt like I needed to figure it all out and have a plan before I posted. I often feel like people are expecting a blogger to have it all together. That even if they're "real" in their posts and their writing is raw and talented - they have a plan and so it's comforting to read their stories. I've come to the realization that my blog isn't going to be memoir written after it's all happened, I've decompressed and have answers.  This blog will be my real confusing life worked out in cyberspace - I don't have all the answers and I don't always have a plan.

So what's happened since I last posted - A LOT. I went to Australia in August for work - I was gone for about 10 days which I'm sure most of you can understand is stresssssssful. I worry. About my him, about IT, about IT happening, about laundry, my child and what news awaits me when I get home. This trip ultimately resulted in a mind-numbing coping mechanism called: denial.

I love denial. Because denial and ignorance are cousins and we all know ignorance is bliss.  

While I was on my trip and shortly thereafter I doubted everything I knew about Husband's pornography addiction.

I told myself many lies. To name a few...

  • He doesn't do it that often
  • It's not that bad
  • Everyone does it (right?)
  • He's a guy - it's normal
  • I think I'm okay with it - really, I can live with this. People live with a lot worse.
  • It doesn't hurt that bad
  • "Insert Friend's Husband's Name here" does it and he's not an addict
I know I can't be the only person who prefers denial over mind-consuming obsession. Complacency over control. Procrastination over preparation.  If this is you - I understand.

As it turns out, my denial was predestined for extinction by one of the most amazing, painful, joyful weekends of my life in the mountain of Idaho with a group of women who changed my life forever.

I had decided to go to camp.

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