Am I Dreaming?

What a night.  A week I guess. It's been 12 days since I moved upstairs after a long, angry, tearful, anxiety ridden night full of blaming, denial and admission. I really don't feel comfortable getting into the details, especially since Husband specifically said he didn't want to share in the first place since he feels like I tell everyone everything he tells me - but what I can say is the next morning I knew that I needed new boundaries and I needed to be honest with Husband about my expectations.

So.......

We had an honest conversation about the fact that I was moving upstairs for an undetermined amount of time.  I communicated that he would need to find someone to talk to about his addiction because I couldn't do it anymore. After he found someone to talk to (and actually talked to them) I would consider coming back - if I felt safe. No guarantees.

I had a lot of guilt from the boundary setting and for moving upstairs. I told my S-Anon group I was really concerned that this was manipulative and that I was undermining my true want - for him to just want to be better and go find help without ultimatums and without "consequences."  What my group helped me understand is that doing what I need to do to feel safe is not manipulative (yes, I have to go to a weekly addiction support group for them to share revelatory ideas with me that aren't really revelatory at all.)

One woman flat out said to me: "Ginny, do you want to live in a relationship with someone who has a sex addiction and is doing nothing about it?"

(obviously) "No."

"Okay - then the reality is that in order for this to work, he needs to do something?"

"Yes."

"There's your answer."

Not fair. Why was that so easy when I had someone to talk to about it? They say that's why I need a sponsor. Dear God. I can't bring myself to do that right now.  I can just hear the conversation now: Hi, ____, this is Ginny.

Hi Ginny. (S-anon style)

I was wondering if in the midst of your full time job, family, friends, church commitments, s-anon group, and your own sex addiction ridden life - you could help me with mine?

Um, yeah, Thank you Ginny.  I am honored you would ask me that but the reality is.....

Yeah, no. I can't take that kind of vulnerability and rejection right now.

Anyways.

Husband told me on Monday (10 days of upstairs sleeping) that he made an appointment with a counselor for Sunday. He also bought a book at Barnes and Noble about Porn Addiction.  I didn't ask him what the book was, I just said that was good and I hoped he liked it. What I was really thinking: THIS IS AWESOME! I can't believe this is happening.

But wait. It gets better. 

Fast forward 12 nights of sleeping upstairs by myself to this evening (about an hour ago actually).
He wanted to know if he could talk to me about his book - I said "sure."  He goes on to tell me how he thinks this book is helpful and that he really was hoping he would discover he didn't actually have a problem and this would prove it - but that's not the case (yes, because I'm putting myself through hell for the "fun of it," yeah a freaking carnival I can assure you).

Then, he started using words like triggers and recovery and steps and journaling and I. was. in. shock.
It's happening.
He gets it.

Step One: Admit you have a problem and you are powerless over lust. (paraphrased)

Honestly, I'm terrified of the let down and when we'll crash and burn. But I am going to let that go. "One day at a time." "Let Go and Let God."