Where Have I Been?

Uhhh...where have I been? Well. I've been living.  Doing things that I think healthy people do like cook for themselves,clean their house regularly, pay their bills, spend time with their family and friends (and enjoy it).  I started personal training and lifting heavy things again and life is...different. Husband and I both are going to recovery meetings and we are now seeing a therapist together (uh huh).

This isn't to say that all has been cheery and wonderful. Since December he's had slips, I've had slips. I've cried, brooded, hated, loved, laughed and yelled.  But this marriage is different. We are learning to talk to each other with respect -shit, we're just learning to talk to each other in general.  We've learned things in therapy:

Harsh startups. 4 horseman. Flooding. How to touch. Hugging. Diaphragmatic breathing. The now beloved phrase "onward and awkward" which is accompanied by a fist pump.

Last Wednesday I had a serious melt-down over a third beer. I just snapped. I felt like I was losing him again and I was scared and sad. Thursday he acted out and Friday he disclosed.It sounds like the same story but it's not. Never before have I known the signs and seen it coming - not consciously.  Disclosures always came as a surprise - a shocking blow.  How I reacted to the disclosure was different - I didn't hate myself, blame myself or feel ugly, stupid or inept. Don't get me wrong - I felt betrayed (because that's normal and healthy) but I didn't feel responsible for it and that was beautiful.  Typically, what follows disclosure for me is a lot of self-loathing but recovery is truly helping me let go of lies I believed about my husband and myself.

"...we come to realize that just as we did not cause the sexaholic's acting out, we cannot "cure it" either.  We learn that it is not our responsibility to keep the sexaholic sexually sober.  Instead, it is our job to manage our own lives, whether or not the sexaholic chooses sobriety."